I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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