Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
