My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
