theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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