I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He has the fingertips of a God
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