We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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