So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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