Betty ford says i'm here all night
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
