I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
