Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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