Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
