You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
