On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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