I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
