Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
