she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
