I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
