You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
