So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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