LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im part way to drunk.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
