it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
