my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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