Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
