If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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