Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
