Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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