I'm so fucking centered right now
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
