I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
