see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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