i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
