you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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