3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
