I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
