Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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