in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
