What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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