This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
