Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
