Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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