if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
