yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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