so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
