I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
