Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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