I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
this hospital has no fireball
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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