My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
