i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
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We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
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Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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