dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
