i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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