hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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