The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do vagina's smell?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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