i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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