6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
