I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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