I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
