The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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